I never imagined I would feel what I feel today – fear for a person I love. Perhaps its true that to feel hate or fear, you have to first love that person enough. I certainly did.

Now, I don’t know what to do with this complete contradiction of feelings. Want so badly to forgive and be with her but just cannot. This did not happen overnight…its unexpected but not sudden. But the knots that one’s emotions get into certainly surprise – because you do not see your emotional destination coming at all do you? And then suddenly, you are there and you have no idea wtf happened.

I try to move on but I find myself looking at the world of companionship and relationships with absolute exhaustion while still wishing I could connect again with another human being. It is kind of like watching a marathon on tv. You wish you could run one and be that fit, but just watching the athletes run exhausts you.

I try to meditate and think about her, trying to let go of all the sludge my brain throws up when I think of both the recent and distant past. And I feel the warmth of my love for her again, and of my appreciation of the things she did do for me. Yet…”why does she still play games”, “why is she so ….”, “why does she…”, “why does…”, “why, why why why…” – the sludge comes up again.

I am trying really hard to get away from this dependence and this constant definition of myself based on my current or past relationships. I don’t want to be paranoid, I don’t want to be eager, I don’t want anything at all. I want to look at somebody and feel only respect for them, not judge them based on any pre-conceptions, deal with them in the moment and then be able to leave without any attachment to either them, my opinion of them or the conversation itself.

But today, I feel as far away from the Dhamma as I possibly can feel. I feel as far away from being ready to take up refuge as possible.

This (non)relationship of 2 years…or whatever it was…has trained me brutally to not easily be hurt or surprised at human faults any more. So, even by this I am not.

I switched off the phone and I heard the loud bar and the voices of my friends flood back and take me in again. So much for ceremony.

You find nothing by losing yourself, least of all peace….

Anyway, It’s been a while since I heard Pearl Jam’s Release. Now when it plays, I can taste those happy days when I had no prospects, I was alone, 30 kgs heavier but fucking wonderfully happy and unreasonably positive about my chances at happiness and even more unreasonably confident in my specialness and brilliance.But it’s the taste that you can’t quite place and fully realize and that frustrates.

Back to the music.

When living for others, you lose who you are and in the process, any value you may have had for the other person(s) is devalued. You are now a commodity, easily replaceable because you constantly live trying to fit another’s idea of you and you find that you are never quite good enough. That is because only that other person knows what you are expected to be, and whatever that expectation is, you are not it. Anybody will do, it doesn’t have to be you. To be fair, if you are not ready to identify who you are, why do you expect the other person to value you at all?

When you live to serve others, with kindness, with an outlook to improve the lot of those less fortunate, or those around you in unfortunate circumstance or simpler still, just to bring cheer, then that is *pure*, unadulterated you – and if you find yourself accepted for who you are, the need to change yourself to fit another’s idea of you quickly dissipates. A healthier life, and a healthier, clear mind.

Hopefully, slowly over time, your idea of happiness depends less and less on waiting on another person’s will or approval.

As the Buddha said, we are not punished for our deeds but for our deeds. It does not matter how things ended, who ended it, who was at fault. At the end of the day, you are left with your own set of consequences irrespective of cirumstance. Karma is brutally emotionless and unsentimental, if anything.

Listen more than you speak.

When your mind runs at 100 kmph, it requires more processing power and it apparently even takes over the part of the brain that will usually tell you that you are being selfish. My significant other got exasperated with me the other day.  What we were talking about is not significant nor is it significant who started it, who was right or wrong. What is significant is that I would keep cutting her off to interject my thoughts. Perhaps what I needed was what PP (Princess Peach as she insists on being known), my significant other did – she told me how frustrating she found this habit but she didn’t seek to leave the conversation and she stayed with me. That allowed the message to sink in – knowing that she trusts me to work on this even if this is seriously bothering her. In a way it makes me take the issue even more seriously. I can’t afford to lose this person.

I can’t quite understand why I do it but I do understand it’s one of those things that qualifies as a significant character flaw. It is something I need to fix and fast. This trait will hold me back in any venture I enter be it love, life or business. I don’t think I do this often in other spheres of life but perhaps I do not notice that I do it. Unless I pay serious and deliberate attention to my predisposition to doing this, I will lose significant people and opportunities.

Do you listen? Are you even aware that you tend to ride rough shod over others? Are you aware that you may me silently repressing those around you? Are you aware that you can have an opinion and allow others to have one too? Are you aware that you can be firm but still allow the other person to leave the conversation feeling respected?

Are you aware that you may be an inch from losing someone or something important solely because you don’t pay attention to your own self?

I just read an article where the author said the cheapest and most effective MBA can be offered in four words:

Talk less. Listen More.

Simple yes. But you may be surprised that it is also much harder to earn this credential in life than any MBA out there.

There was more separation in store…almost a week after she got to Thailand that I had no idea if she was ok and she did not know how I was doing. But perhaps it was all for the best. While that separation hurt, I think it became immediately evident to both of us in those days of complete isolation from the other that a life apart is not something we can handle, at least not well. Our whole world views seem to be defined by our ability to count on each other and not having the other person to turn to completely screws with our sanity. That moment almost a week ago – that late Saturday night when she finally called – I remember relief, and joy – and eagerness to put aside whatever anger and worries I had about the few days prior. That experience of happiness when a moment before I could have thought of a hundred things to despair about – it tells me the simplicity of what we mean to each other.

The week since…it’s like something has finally clicked for both of us. We are suddenly showing each other the best of us, not the worst. We are both naturally afraid to take things for granted or to hope too much – but finally…perhaps…we both want the same thing.

She is Emmy. She however insists on being called Princess Peaches aka PP. Don’t ask *shakes head*

The niece…4 years old and the sweetest disposition possible – except when it comes to food. Nothing gets between her cake and her.

Anyway, today she points out to my mom that the one of the trees in the yard has a couple of ‘browned’ leaves. My mom explains that fall is around the corner and the trees are ok.
The niece goes up to the tree, pats it, gives it a big hug and says in that loving sincere voice that only a 4 year old has ‘don’t worry, it will be all right in the summer. You will be ok.’

I wish I had her empathy that does not discriminate and is meant for all – her grandma and the trees alike.

http://themindfulcoder.com/2010/08/your-job-get-with-it-or-get-out/