Home of the fumbler…

I came back today to read my olds posts and what I wrote back in January resonated. I did not learn anything since then. I chose – once again – to forget too much – yet all my actions in the last few months say that I forgot nothing.

I never imagined I would feel what I feel today – fear for a person I love. Perhaps its true that to feel hate or fear, you have to first love that person enough. I certainly did.

Now, I don’t know what to do with this complete contradiction of feelings. Want so badly to forgive and be with her but just cannot. This did not happen overnight…its unexpected but not sudden. But the knots that one’s emotions get into certainly surprise – because you do not see your emotional destination coming at all do you? And then suddenly, you are there and you have no idea wtf happened.

I try to move on but I find myself looking at the world of companionship and relationships with absolute exhaustion while still wishing I could connect again with another human being. It is kind of like watching a marathon on tv. You wish you could run one and be that fit, but just watching the athletes run exhausts you.

I try to meditate and think about her, trying to let go of all the sludge my brain throws up when I think of both the recent and distant past. And I feel the warmth of my love for her again, and of my appreciation of the things she did do for me. Yet…”why does she still play games”, “why is she so ….”, “why does she…”, “why does…”, “why, why why why…” – the sludge comes up again.

I am trying really hard to get away from this dependence and this constant definition of myself based on my current or past relationships. I don’t want to be paranoid, I don’t want to be eager, I don’t want anything at all. I want to look at somebody and feel only respect for them, not judge them based on any pre-conceptions, deal with them in the moment and then be able to leave without any attachment to either them, my opinion of them or the conversation itself.

But today, I feel as far away from the Dhamma as I possibly can feel. I feel as far away from being ready to take up refuge as possible.